It has now become painfully clear that President Obama illegally monitored The activities in Trump Tower. Recent revelations have vindicated President Trump’s contention that he had been “wiretapped”.
Sources indicate that the use of the word “wiretapping” in quotation marks is essential. Classified surveillance video shows that, in a move far worse than traditional wiretapping, Mr. Obama himself actually hid under Mr. Trumps desk and sat for hours in the toilet stall directly adjacent to the one where President Trump has his daily bowel movements – which classified documents refer to as “producing the Trump shit”.
Further research indicates that Vladimir Putin was not in the stall next to either Mr. Trump or Mr. Obama. Neither were any members of The Trump family, or of campaign or transition team officials, ever seen in a comparable shithouse in any Russian government building.
Whitehouse spokesman Sean Spicer, in a news conference to which only the most reputable right wing media was invited, has confirmed that these revelations prove conclusively that the Trump administration had no contact with any Russian shit prior to or during the election process. These allegations may now be flushed away.
Other recently disapproved allegations include:
Jared Kushner does not have any holdings in any Trump business ventures. Neither did he receive $125,333 in consulting fees from Cambridge Analytica.
Mr. Trump has not backed away from the US position that Bashar al-Assad is a murderous dictator. He agrees that Mr. Assad have some problems with governance but, in a recent tweet, assured the American people that Mr. Assad is a “good guy who is simply saddled with an entire population of people who do some ‘bad, very, very bad’ things by protesting A noble dictatorship dedicated through the well-being and success of Syrian oligarchy”.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Mr. Trump has definitively confirmed that he had no involvement whatsoever in the decision to increase the penalties for for cow-killing in Uttar Pradash.
In a statement to which even traditional media was invited Whitehouse spokesman Sean Spicer quoted Mr. Trump saying “I get my shit from Neo-Nazi websites in the Shining City on the American hill, not cow shit in Gujarat, so who gives a damn about dead cows?” Spicer confirmed that Mr. Trump believes that sacred cows deserve to be destroyed….
Just like sacred American values…
<Oh yeah… APRIL FOOLS!!!!!>