Consider this:

Suppose there were 5 people, all the same age and in the same state of health, who were diagnosed with the same terminal illness that had progressed to the same degree. All were expected to die.

Person 1 has a church full of devout Christians praying for them.

Person 2 has a their Synagogue praying the Mi Sheberach healing prayer for them every day.

Person 3 has everyone in their Mosque praying for them.

Person 4 has every Shinto priest in Japan praying that the ancestors heal them.

Person 5 has there most devoted atheist friends visiting and comforting them each day and hoping for healing.

Would there be a difference in the outcome of the illness for each of these 5 people?

I know what I think and it may not be what you expect. But, I’m not going to tell you until you tell me what you think. If you are willing to play then comment on this post and answer this;

1. Would there be a difference in the outcome of the illness for each person?

2. Why?

3. If you answered question 2 by saying that God, Spirit, the universe, the ancestors, whatever, intervenes in what happens then do the people with the illness deserve what happens to them and why would that “higher power” choose to help some but not others?

I’ll tell you what I think in another post. Right now I want to give you a voice.

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I had another MRI this past week. I saw the radiation oncologist two days later. The good news is that this time I am not bummed. I’m just ambivalent.

My tumor looks absolutely identical to how it did on the MRI three months ago. I could be disappointed that it still has not reduced in size. But I’m not. Rather, I am happy that it has not grown.

It has now been almost 2 years since I had the radiation treatment. Lots of great doctors did their best to treat it. Lots of great friends and family did their best to pray that it would shrink. It has been treated expertly and, after 2 years, it is likely not going to shrink.

I’ve had some funny, really stupid, thoughts of late. One day I actually said to myself: “Maybe I got a brain tumor because my body wasn’t really prepared for all that extra spinal energy when I got initiated into Kriya Yoga.” Now THAT is a stupid thought. If Paramahansa Yogananda comes to meet me in the afterlife the first thing he’ll do before introducing me to Babaji is to whack me upside my head! 🙂 Silly shit. I’m very sure the next thing he’ll do is tell me I should have done more Kriya’s not less. Duh.

Ok I’m being silly now. But, here’s the bottom line. You don’t always get what you ask for. You can’t change some things. So, I’m working on that phase of acceptance. I’m working to remember that I have a choice in how I react. It’s a blessing that my tumor is benign. It’s a blessing that my tumor is not growing. It’s s blessing that I live in a city with a world-class research institution. It’s a blessing that I have Patt to support me. It’s a blessing that I have a numb eyeball instead of, say, numb… well, never mind. It’s a blessing that this is an annoyance not a life-threatening ailment. There are lots of blessings to be found here.

My challenge – which I’m working hard to accept – is to CHOOSE to be grateful for the blessings rather than dwell on all the things that I want to be different. I’m trying to move into a space of gratitude.

I wonder if it will go away if I just do more Kriyas? 🙂

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Love you all!

 

 

I love my country and I respect our flag. I put up my flag for Independence Day and leave it up through Labor Day. I stand for the National Anthem even when I’m just hearing it at home. I help my wife with her “Tools for Troops” nonprofit. I visit the Vietnam Memorial 100% of the time I go to D.C., even though I despise that war. I applaud for returning military when I see them in the airport. I thank every military person I see for their service. I have gone to Arlington National Cemetery for the laying of the wreath at the tomb of the unknowns even when I detested the President who laid it. I read both the Cato Institute’s and the American Constitution Society’s annual Supreme Court case reviews. I love America.

So, you might think I don’t approve of NFL players who kneel during our National anthem. You would be wrong. Here’s why.

The primary thing that makes me so love America is our theoretically unbounded notion of liberty. Unlike China or North Korea we don’t have state controlled media. Unlike Iran, Iraq, Malaysia, Afghanistan, and most Muslim countries we don’t have law tied to Religion. Unlike England, we don’t have a state sanctioned church. We have a notion of Liberty that is broader than any other country. Not democracy – LIBERTY.

Unfortunately, the man we have elected President is the anthesis of all my concept of America represents. He will propose firing NFL players who kneel while praising white supremacists as including some good people. He stereotypes Muslims. He wants to stop our free media. He wants to let fundamentalist Christianity drive our laws. He is – in short – the exact opposite of me.

President Trump has the liberty to divide America all he wants. But, we citizens – NFL Players included – have been afforded equal liberty by our constitution. So, even though I revere our country, I love the flag, and I will always stand for the anthem, I revere far more the liberty upon which those things are founded. So, like it or not, I unconditionally support the NFL players, coaches, and owners who exercise their first amendment rights to protest the aspects of our country against which they feel it necessary to fight.

I stand for the first amendment and must thus stand with the NFL.

All of you know that I’ve kept a really solid sense of humor since I was first diagnosed with a (benign) Trigeminal Schwannoma. I would not have had 6 previous posts with a title this lame if I didn’t. But I have to tell you that I’m not in the joking mood today.

After hitting this little fucker with a big dose of radiation a year and a half ago I expected this annual MRI to show an unchanged to slightly smaller tumor. That is not the case.

It no longer takes more than 2 seconds for me to show you the tumor on an MRI image.Here it is, looking up from the bottom of my skull:

Tumor MRI 1 Aug 17 Zoom

I’m not a radiologist but I certainly know by now that rule number one or two is to look for asymmetry. Not hard to find when you scroll through the studies. I’m good at that after almost 2 years.

You can’t tell much about the size but, if you look back a year, you can see that it looks about as it did before. If it were as before I would be a happy camper. Unfortunately it is slightly larger and I’m more than slightly disappointed. What I love about my doctor is that she doesn’t try to spin things. When I told her I was bummed she said “yeah, I’m disappointed too”. We were both surprised.

Schwann cells are not very radio-sensitive so this kind of tumor does not generally shrink. But it also does not typically grow. We can’t really tell if the tumor has grown or if this is still just post-radiation inflammation. The latter can actually go on for 2 or 3 years. That is rare but then I’m a special kinda guy.  Whatever it is, it’s slightly larger than it was a year ago.

Regardless, since I’ve been transparent about this all along, I just want y’all to know that this is a bummer and I’m having trouble today in keeping my humor up and running.

I’ve often been asked if they can do surgery and just remove it. The answer is that anything is possible but not everything is worth the risk.

First, if they did try to remove it they would almost certainly further damage the nerve. I’d still choose a numb eyeball over a numb face so there’s that.

Second, let me show you a picture I haven’t shared before. Here is an MR Image from the back of my head.

Tumor MRI 2 Aug 17

You can see the tumor on the right side of the image, Down below – all that shit that does not look like brain – that’s the base of my skull. The tumor is sitting in a little part of that area called “Meckel’s Cave”. Among other things that’s a bitch to get to. It’s also right where my carotid artery enters. It would sort of suck to accidentally cut through that.

Now… the easy thing to do is to use a Guillotine. The problem is that reassembly is tough (I told you my sense of humor about this sucks – that’s the best fucking joke I can come up with. Sorry.)

Interestingly, even among Neurosurgeons there are lots of sub-specialties. Apparently there are guys called “Skull base specialists” who have… like….. REALLY steady hands. They know how to operate down there. But that sounds about a million times scarier than having a room full of nice people shooting a linear accelerator at you for a few minutes. So, I’d vote “no” without a hell of a reason.

The good news is that Dr. Kubicky also votes “no”. She says that it’s difficult to believe that, with the dose of radiation I had, the tumor has really grown. She still thinks this is inflammation and wants to just keep watching it unless the symptoms change. For the first 2 years watching it was sort of fun. Now, now so much.

So, to summarize my rambling update: Next MRI is in 3 months. Until then, nothing much to do. I’m sure I’ll get over the bit of melancholia. In the meantime the only consolation is that I again have something to worry about other than politics.

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Man did The Economist nail it on this one!

Moral authority should be a primary Presidential trait. The Economist has rightly called our president out for not having the balls to take a moral stance against evil.